Merry Christmas to all, and to all an unbroken Johnson.

I know that might seem like a peculiar seasons’ greetings, but according to science, it’s a necessary caution. That’s because new research from the University of Munich has found that Christmas time is the most common time that people snap their schlong.

Now, I bet you have a million questions. First, is this really what they’re doing instead of curing cancer? And second, what exactly do you mean by “break your dick”? To answer your first question, yes. With regards to your second question, you might want to sit down, because reading about this ain’t easy.

Writing for The Guardian, Linda Geddes says that penile fractures are “a medical emergency in which the erection-producing regions of the penis snap, usually as a result of forceful bending during over-enthusiastic sexual intercourse.”

“The fractures are often heralded by an audible crack, followed by severe pain, rapid loss of erection and severe swelling and bruising,” Geddes explains. One of the urologists behind the study, Dr. Nikolaos Pyrgides, then elaborated: “When [patients] present to their doctor their penis often looks like an eggplant.”

Thanks, Nick! Happy to know that.

For this study, Pyrgides and others looked at the hospital data for 3,421 men in Germany who sustained penile fractures between 2005 and 2021. The most common time for these fractures, next to weekends and summer holidays, was Christmas. “If every day was like Christmas, 43 percent more penile fractures would have occurred in Germany from 2005 on,” Pyrgides detailed.

Surprisingly, New Year’s Eve experiences a normal level of penile injuries when compared to other days, though I would like to know the data about other holidays — I bet St. Patrick’s Day is surprisingly broken-dick-heavy.

So if you’ve been bad this year, just be thankful you’re only getting a lump of coal.